Colin was diagnosed w/ Level 2 Autism back in 2014 when he was 4 years old (almost 5), but I knew from birth something was different. My whole being from April 28th, 2009, changed! Life, as I knew it, was no longer! I went home 2 days post-op and the quest began! Those days were hard! Try being the ONLY person in your entire family who had an inkling & nobody would even foster the idea that I had! That was hard! My sister and mother thought I was dealing with postpartum when, in actuality, I was just a mother realizing the truth! Just me, myself, and my new little guy. LOL!! Over the course of the journey, you learn to be strong! You learn to accept the life you were blessed with and forget the thought of what it was "supposed" to be...you know, back when you could only dream of being a mother and the PERFECT life you were going to have. LOL! You learn to forget about the name brand clothes that you used to walk in and buy on a whim, because now you have to figure out how to pay for early intervention services, since you can't get anyone to listen and have to pay out of pocket. Yep, you become a women on a mission! You learn to
not accept no as an answer! You learn to accept the fact that life, is now going down a different path! The funny thing, is in the beginning you can't even think straight. Tears flow as you shower, so nobody else sees them. Sweatpants become the new fashion trend, b/c you're too tired to even care what you have on. Don't even ask about the hair! Missed milestones, become a reflection of the truth that you already know. Yet, the experts STILL don't want to listen! However, in the mist of all the crazy you sit, you sing, and you play because you know that this is your little boy who hears your voice, smiles at you when he does, and you want nothing more than to make sure he knows, with all of your being, that he is the most precious thing and you love him more than he'll ever know! You become a mama bear and protection is key! Then you remember, "wait, where's my other little guy?" Yep, you have 2 little guys and both are equally important and deserve all that you have, so you learn to give even more of yourself. NEVER ever do you want your oldest to feel that his younger brother, though different, is loved more than he is. So, you forget....forget who you even were before these two beautiful souls were given to you, forget your thoughts of dinner w/ friends, heck your husband.....oh my goodness, my sweet and loving husband! I tell you, I was so lost at that point and all I knew to do, is make sure that the guys in my life felt 100% of my love. I truly lost myself, but in that loss found so much love for life with my guys that God started changing me for the better. I felt the shift! During that, you even start to evaluate people and begin placing them in specific spots of your journey, like in a car, giving them specific seats and you're not afraid to pull off the side of the road, open the door, and boot them out when they don't want to listen! I'm his mama, you'll either listen or you'll be removed from the ride! Easy as that! Let me tell you, you truly learn who your friends and family are! That too, is really hard! However, the days turned into weeks, that turned into months, that are now years and you realize how far you've come! This sweet child has turned your life into a complete blessing! Then you smile! The early years for an autism family are no joke! EVERY darn thing you do is a learning experience. You've got a 50/50 shot at trying new things, because you know that is "what is best for the child." Man, if I had a quarter for every time I heard that...lol! This journey truly has given me so much joy! I learned I had strength I didn't even know I had. Strength that comes from above! The kind that no matter what you are faced with, something just comes over you and you know it's going to be ok...just keep swimming! He's changed you into a person that no longer cares for the material parts of life. Life has meaning & purpose now! You even get to a point where venturing out to public places isn't all that bad, because you're over the stares & the whispers ......or, so you thought! Yet, when you arrive at a restaurant and you know instantly it's not going to be good, you try through the stares, the moments he puts himself on the floor, or when you're trying to eat your oatmeal and he's grabbing his coat saying, "all done, go to car" to be strong, encourage him to sit and relax, but to no avail. So, to save yourself the embarrassment of crying you turn to your family, in-laws included, and just politely say, "I'm going to take him to the car." While walking out, still feeling the stares penetrating you, you softly kiss his little head and tell him, "you did good buddy, it was a great try, and mommy loves you!" Honestly, I thought I was over this! I mean 10 years in, you'd think I would be; however, last Saturday hit me like a ton of bricks. It doesn't go away! You just learn to suppress it, because there will always be moments when reality, of this life, peak its little head and when you least expect it....BAM, it gets you! It's ok though and those on a similar journey know these moments will happen, however, it's also an instant reminder to wipe your tears & repeat that little phrase....this too shall pass!
Lately, I have been so emotionally upside down it's not even funny. So many things going on around me that my mind has been in overdrive for weeks! How do I get off this merry-go-round? What in the world is happening? No, I'm not going crazy, but my goodness I can't even think straight! At this point in my life, all I know to do is take the bull by the horns, so to speak! I removed Instagram from my phone! Yes, removed it from my phone! AND just that small little thing has given me so much more freedom. Time to be intentional, purposeful, and just be at peace! I'm not against social media, not one bit, but let's be honest we all spend too much time on it. I'm tired of the perfect persona people want to portray on their pages! Or, those folks who have a million friends, yet when they see them in public run the other way so they don't have to communicate face-to-face. Really? UGH!! So, for me, that move alone has been truly freeing. I'm reading more, working out, spending more time in my Bible, praying and communicating w/ the Lord more, and giving my family more of my time, as well. My 2019 goal of "Live with Intention" is happening and I'm feeling really good about it! Being positive, is helping me regain my sanity and thanks to the good Lord, he's helping me see how great life can be when you stop complaining and start fixing! ☺
