No Fool Here!!!

Ok, so I use this blog to tell the stories of my family and my hope is that one day my boys will read this and know that these moments have taken place in our lives, how we felt during them, but most of all I want them to know how much I love them and will go to the moon and back for them.....so, this post is basically a "vent" session for me b/c I need to release some feelings and I don't want to forget how I felt at this moment all because...it is part of the journey!!!

Anyway, life has been coming full force here lately and not that it's not good, it's just been a lot!  From 1st grade math, fundraisers, doctor appointments, to preschool evaluations!  I mean all over the fricken charts to be quite honest!!  LOL!  Life, well our life, by no means is slowing down and I had honestly had some preconceived notions that it would, once we made our move to a simpler community!  Well, guess what...not happening! =)  Oh well, I'm learning to prepare better, but most importantly expect nothing to go according to plan!! The past 3 weeks have been, for a lack of better words...hard, emotionally hard and that has taken the biggest toll on me!  As Ethan has put it, I'm being very "mean" lately and that's just not me, I'm on edge, and can't seem to keep the tears away?!?!  I hate it, I hate that I'm letting people, professional people, dictate to me and making me feel like I'm an idiot.....WHEN, I'm the one that knows my son the best!  People play me for a fool and let me tell ya, I'm not that!  I'm not a brain by no means, but I do know how to find things out and have a good read on people! However, I also, step back when I need to and let those professionals do what they need to do when the time is needed, but these past two weeks, my patience has been shot!  I might not be his doctor, his nurse, his teacher, his psychologist, but let me tell you what I am and that is his MOTHER!  Have I been a protector the past couple of years, hell yes I have and for good reason.....This road isn't easy, it's not fun, and by no means is it something I had planned!  I have "learned" to take things in stride, to embrace every moment, and to let that little boy that I know is in there come out in his own time!  I can't get over how much "testing" is involved, but it's not so much the testing that frustrates me, b/c truly I'm ready for some answers, it's the fact that the people whom we have to come in contact with to get the results we need think of me as "just the mother"!  I get they have gone to school, have the education to back up the science, but let me tell you what they don't have and that is "time" with my son to get the answers they need!  I mean I'm sure you can tell a lot about a child in 45 minutes by making check marks by the questions that are already thought up, right?  I'm confused by the fact of cookie cutter!  Every child is different, so how can there be cookie cutter?  Through this whole journey, I think that's what I'm so frustrated about it's these people, whom I have to work with & trust, but look at me like I have 6 eyeballs when I talk!  Honestly, 2 weeks ago we were in Akron Children's hospital and I tell them in the very beginning how the IV had to be done (only because we experienced it at Aultman) and they look at me and do none of it, so we have to leave w/o the procedure done or how about yesterday, when a director of a local facility calls to ask me questions about helping my son in preschool, but yet asks me the same question that was asked 3 weeks ago, that I said NO to at that time, but thought if it came from the "director" I might change my mind?  Seriously???  The decisions we are making aren't because we are afraid or that we aren't willing to try new things, but it's because we have tried and they didn't work!  So, no, I'm not willing to make your job easy at the expense of my son...sorry, not going to happen!  I think the worst thing that these types of folks can do, is just think of me as his mother!!!  This mother, is a researcher by nature, I don't take things w/ a grain of salt, and I certainly don't see people only from their title!  I received the best advice a year ago and that was, "you will become a fighter"!  Well, let me tell ya, I feel like fricken Mike Tyson at times and it exhausts me!  I'm not in a position to figure this thing out, it's beyond me, and are their issues, yes....is it autism?  I have no clue, he has 5 of the characteristics out of a total of 12...and the people that know him best are unsure, too!  Is there something, yes...we are perfectly aware of that part....how about sensory processing disorder??? Never has that been mentioned, but let me tell ya, I've been researching it and it will be brought up!  At this point, lots of questions are up in the air, but time will tell and the results will come in (a day I'm longing for) I'm praying for no more roadblocks, so we can finally get the paper and move on! I'm not afraid of the answers, whatever they are, will never change the love I have for my little boy.  It'll only give us the backing we need, to help him along to succeed! Colin, has been a blessing to me, our family and has certainly given us the ability to stand up for what we believe in!  I've got some pretty thick skin, but this journey has made it much thicker and my backbone, well let me say this....now, is not a time to contact me and expect me to give in to what you want done w/ my son!  I might only be his mother, but this mother has been up all hours of the night taking notes, researching new diets, getting ideas to help his growth, and by all means learning what is above and beyond the "options" that are given by the professionals!  You know, people have no clue what it's like and unless you have walked in the footsteps of the folks that are living it, learn to be considerate! I'm not here to be your enemy or make this progress rough, I want to be a team player and set goals for Colin, so we can watch him grow!  I'm not backing down though, so I will continue to be his voice during this journey.....those who want to ride along, hop in; however, don't be offended if "this mother" opens the door and boots your ass out....just means you're not going to continue on the journey w/ us!  I'm an advocate for my son & will settle for nothing but the best!

Colin, one day when you read this, know that Mommy loves you and Daddy & I are doing the best we can.....time is making us stronger, smarter, and giving us the power to do what it takes for you! We love you buddy and one day, when we look back on this moment in time together, please know that Mommy took the word "fighter" and ran with it....for your sake!